Pharisee Spirit

What secrets make me want to hide? Ok, so this is very painful. I know you already know this. I have believed so many lies, listened to all the negative voices, allowed others to beat me down to nothing, and made me ashamed. I felt unworthy, unloved, neglected, abandoned, and alone. No matter what, I never felt good enough, and was always giving my all, and everything of myself, until I was completely empty. I always thought it admirable to be strong, independent, and need noone else. It was always my way, and I tried so hard, for so long, to go after what I thought made me happy. Truth being, I myself didn't even know what that looked like. As long as I can remember, I have always carried a deep burden of regrets, and great sadness. I never understood the fullness of God's grace. I always strived for perfection, in which never could be obtained, because it does not exist for humans. Jesus alone is perfect. I have forever, torn myself apart , striving for the legalistic, traditionalistic, religious, perfectionism, that is unattainable. I have been very broken, and have worn many masks to hide the true, real, me. I have been hiding as long as I can remember. Through relationship, after relationship, I struggled always striving for perfection, always holding myself accountable for every thought and deed. I have definately been my own worst enemy. I truly hated the person I beheld in the mirror. I never knew why I struggled so very much. I did not realize I was carrying great guilt, shame, and regrets. I had internalized it, and all of my anger and rage, was inflicted pain upon myself. I had a great need to want to love, help, and (save, rescue) others. Yes conceited as it may be, I not realizing it at the time, was trying to give others, all the things, I so desperately needed to give myself. I built others up, and spoke wisdom, truth, encouragement, and love over them. I attempted to be as Corinthians tell us to be, down to the very letter indeed. The more I gave all of me, the more empty I became. Yes I knew Jesus as Savior, yes I had studied the bible and went to church, read Christian authors works, and attempted to walk out all the things I was suppose to do and be. Yes very true, very ugly legalism, and religion. I was so cynical, critical, judgemental, and actually cruel to myself. I would yo-yo back and forth for years to a close relationship with the Lord, to being far away and backslidden, living in sin. You see sin paints a pretty picture. The ugly truth is, it is a slow, decaying cancer that erodes our very integrity, our self-worth, our security in who we are. Our identity is not found in others, and what they may believe we are, or defined as, in any form. Our identity is found alone in the Word of God. We are what He says we are. His word alone defines us! When we are full of lies, we become full of anger, fear, self-loaving, insecurities, bitterness, unforgiveness, and many more life-defeating things. We can not do anything alone and apart from God. I finally at the age of 44 have realized and made a decision that I am running to Jesus, not religion, but that close personal relationship with the lover of my soul. I am alone, single, and for the first time in a very long time allowing my Lord Jesus to heal me. I am a work in progress. I am worth this time. I am trusting in Him more with each passing day. Yes I am learning to trust, and that is huge for me. He is showing me I can give everything to Him who is more than capable of carrying it all. No secrets divide us if we confess everything to Him. He knows all already, but that close relationship is the key. Sometimes it is hard to see past our pain and grief, but the lover of our soul, Jesus Christ, is more than able to heal and make us whole. He turns our messes into messages and our trials and tests into testimonies. Therefore this time is singled out for this special season with the Lord, and I alone. He is restoring, renewing, strengthening, edifying, and loving me past all the lies, with His beautiful truth, His word. I pray all my dear sisters and friends as well, seek out their healing that comes only through time with Jesus. Hallelujah!