Jesus Alone Defines Me

I remember having night terrors as a child. I was always so frightened. I remember getting in the bed with my twin, covering up my head and praying. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. At a very young age I knew discernment and saw past the physical to see spiritual. Mom watched scary, evil, ungodly things that invited fear into our home. So many times I would wake up breathless crying so scared I could not move or scream. I eventually would get the strength to run to Mom's room. I would try to sneak quiet as a mouse into her bed without waking her. I never usually suceeded but she would allow me to make a pallet bed in the floor beside her, and I would feel some comfort and finally drift off to sleep.

When starting to school my twin and I were inseperable. It broke our hearts when we were seperated in 1st grade. We were devastated to say the least. But we learned to make new friends and it probably was healthy for us to be seperated for a little while. We were very close and we had our own language. We shared nearly everything. We were very nervous children, my twin and I, her moreso than myself. We would never eat right and we were always so small and frail. We kept the nervous stomach. I remember being so humiliated and embarrassed over practically nothing. I never not remember God being with me always. When I was older I remember always having confrontations with Dad over Mom. I had taken upon myself the role of my Mother's protector and keeper. It got me into trouble quiet a bit with Dad. I refused to allow him to talk down to her and I always had something to say about it. I wouldn't yell or be disrespectful, I would just calmly state he had no need to speak to her like that. That would get me standing in the corner or sent to my room. He humiliated me and belittled me. (Of course in his defense, I was blind to his side of the story at this time, and it took years before I saw both sides of the story, the full truth). I know now this many years later that my Mother was indeed not always correct and the victim, but my Father too, was not treated as he should of been, and they both were wrong. It was none of my business and taking my Mothers side only made things worse. I did not see the total truth until much later in life.

When I met my first love I was so happy. He was so good to me and treated me like a baby. I loved him dearly. I was a virgin when I met him. He was my first kiss, my first everything. It was not long we were engaged and planning our wedding. We were so happy together and we were the best of friends. Somewhere along the line I starting having nightmares again. Fear consumed me and it was from a perverse spirit. He had this on him because he too had faults as we all do and had an unhealthy perception of love. (porn)I was deeply hurt that he watched and desired this when he had me and I did not fully understand what so ever. I felt betrayed and it grew from there. I had major abandonment issues and when he went to work over the road the stress I was under consumed me. I had a major breakdown. I was so angry with him because he wouldnt come to my rescue, be there for me and our girls, change job s so he would be home more. I was very selfish, and he was trying to make a living for our family. My heart was forever broken into a million shattered pieces. I attempted to seek therapy but it only made things worse. I was out of my mind. I was prescribed a medication that I had an adverse reaction to with the side effect of personality alterations. I pushed the closest thing other than my two daughters away from me. I was so angry. I had not realized, I was not only angry at myself but I was angry with everything and everyone. I would not allow anyone in. I sufferred greatly. I grew even angry with my God for permitting all the suffering and had not realized nor understood my part in everything. I did not understand consequences for our choices and free will at the time. I fell farther and farther away from God. I grew more rebellious than I like to admit. I was angry at my Dad, my Mom, my sisters, everyone really. I was a very bitter angry person. Bitterness, anger, wrath, and hate consumed me. I was suicidal. It was like a death loosing my best friend, my husband, my love. It was tearing of the flesh from the bone, tremendously painful indeed.

Since then I had gone into different various relationships, engaged more than a few times. I had two precious little boys out of wedlock, out of covenent. I had never married not because I didnt want to, but it simply did not work out and was not meant to be. I had alot of growing up to do. It blows my carnal mind of how wonderful the Lord blessed me even in my tremendous anger and rebellion. I still heard God but my sin kept us at a distance. I caused much sufferring through my tremendous pain. Relationship after relationship failed. Abuse after abuse permitted upon myself. I grew angry. I couldnt look at myself in the mirror without crying. I didnt recognize the image glaring back at me. I truly hated myself, I would claw my arms with my nails leaving deep wounds and scars. I dug into my flesh and wanted to feel something. I was numb and I felt like the walking dead. I couldn't control anything not even myself. I was on a mission to find out what was wrong with me. I tore myself apart piece by piece and placed it under a microscopic lens. I truly hated myself. I did not understand why I had a breakdown nor why I pushed my best friend, husband away. He was my world and he had become my God, so I had to go through the great pain and sufferring and break because there shall be no Gods before our God and savior Jesus Christ our Lord.

Even being a single Mom of four I still continued struggling. I tried so hard to teach them of God but my life taught them different. It has been many years since my divorce. It has been much pain and sufferring. It has been much learning and seeking, so many failed attempts at relationship after relationshi,so many abuses in the name of love, so much sacrifice of self allowing bit by bit, piece by piece torn away, each taking huge portions of my heart with them. I left empty handed each time. I was always on the loosing side of things. So much I offered them in exchange for their leftovers, their scraps of attention, and love. I offerred all of me and they took that for granite. They all used me. I allowed them too do so. They came, took, and used, abused, and wounded and left again time after time until I was but a shadow, a shell of my former self that once was me. All the abuse in the name of love, a tragedy indeed was written. Searching for answers I never stopped seeking and I continued in vanity looking for my true self. It is the time I finally take up for the little girl within. So deeply wounded, scared, and hurt, never fully able to trust, I came to a conclusion. No more! Yes, no more attempts at relationships. No more searching for someone to fill the God sized void, that could only be filled by God himself. No more searching for someone to complete me. No more will I allow myself to be abused all in the name of love. No more lies. The only thing that completes us is God's great Love of His precious Son, our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. In Jesus alone do I find wholeness, healing, and completeness. I will continue this path with my Lord and Savior, growing in Him and with each passing day on this journey, he repairs and restores another part of me that was lost. His truth destroys and replaces the lies of Satan. I am fearfully made. I am HIS. <3