What Causes Us to Hide?

What secrets make me want to hide? So, this is very painful. I know you already know this. I have believed so many lies, listened to all of the negative voices, allowed others to beat me down to nothing, and allowed myself to be ashamed. I felt unworthy, unloved, neglected, abandoned, alone, never good enough. I was always giving my all, my everything of myself until I was left completely empty. I thought it admirable to be strong, independent, and need no one else. It was always my way and I tried so hard for so long to go after what I thought made me and others happy. Truth being I myself did not even know what that looked like. As long as I can remember I have always carried deep burdens of regret and great sadness. I never understood the fullness of God's grace. I always have striven for perfection in which never could be obtained because it does not exist for humans. Jesus Christ alone is completely perfect. I have always torn myself apart, striving for the legalistic, traditionalist, religious, perfectionism facade of self. I have been very broken, and have worn many masks to hide the true real self that was me. I have always been hiding as long as I can remember. Through relationship after relationship I struggled always striving for perfection, always holding myself accountable for every thought and deed. I have been my own worst enemy. I truly hated the person I beheld in the mirror. I never knew why I struggled so very much. I did not realize that I was carrying great guilt, shame, and regret. I had internalized it and all of my anger and rage was inflicted pain upon myself. I have always had a great need to love others and help them. ( Savior complex) Yes as conceited as that is, not actually realizing it at the time, I was trying to give others all the things I so desperately needed to have for myself. I always built others up, and spoke wisdom, truth, forgiveness, encouragement, and love over them. I attempted to be as Corinthians tells us to be, down to the very letter indeed. The more I gave all of me the emptier I became. Yes I knew Jesus as savior, and yes I had studied the bible, went to church, read Christian books and attempted to walk out all of the things I was suppose to do and be. Hilarious right? Yes very true, very ugly, legalism and religion. I was cynical and critical, judgmental and actually very cruel and heartless to myself. I would yo-yo back and forth for years to a close relationship with the Lord to being far away and distant. You see sin paints a pretty picture. The truth is it is a slow decaying cancer that erodes our very integrity, our self-worth or security in who we are. Our identity is not found in others and what they may believe we are or defined as in any forms. Our identity is found alone in the Word of God. We are what He says we are. His word alone defines us. When we are full of lies we become full of anger, fear, self-loathing, insecurities, bitterness, unforgiveness, and many more life-defeating things. We alone may do nothing. Finally at age 44 I have realized and made a decision that I am running to Jesus, not religion, but a close personal relationship with the lover of my soul. I am alone, single, and for the first time in a very long time allowing my Lord Jesus to heal me completely. I am a work in progress. I am worth this time. I am trusting in Him more with each passing day. Yes I am learning to trust and that is huge for me. He is showing me I can give everything to Him who is more than capable of carrying it all. No secrets divide us if we confess everything before Him. He knows all already but that close relationship is the key.

Sometimes it is hard to pray audibly especially at times more than others. I find that I can write prayer journals to the Lord and I express myself much better and thorough this way. This time is singled out for this special season with the Lord and I alone, for He is restoring, renewing, strengthening, edifying, and loving me past all the lies of the enemy with His beautiful truth, His word. Amen. I am learning to see myself through the Lover of my Souls eyes, my Lord Jesus, my all and all, my best friend, my everything. I am learning to love myself as I have loved others, and to care for myself as I have so many. I am worth this much needed invested time. Thank you Jesus!