ALLOW JESUS TO REDEEM IT ALL.......

Trapped within these walls are the memories that continue to haunt me. Once a home full of laughter and life now lies dormant in a waste of long-gone tomorrows. Memories flood my mind of times gone by so fast as though we blinked, they ceased to be, only to be replaced with nightmares of terrors victimized and used, oppressed and manipulated, then tossed aside as yesterdays laundry. Nothing remained but anguish and despair reaching far beyond the hands of time taunting truth of a wasted life, one with regrets, poor vision of self, and an unsecured lack of confidence. Identity lost with each betrayal worse than the previous era of time, anguish awaited self-loathing and pity by her side made way for the light of hope. Pin hole in size until the longing of true self emerged. Ego deceased, buried, forgotten. Awakened to life, hope, fullness of joy. Life rebirthed, repurposed, reborn eternally forevermore.

“Who needs a Superman when you have a SUPER GOD ALMIGHTY, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD, LORD OF lords and KING OF kings! HALLELUJAH.” GodSPrincess/Anita Hall

For far too long I longed for love. I sought it out and looking in all the wrong places. The harder I sought the more it eluded me. I wanted to make it happen on my own. I wanted to do it my way. I sacrificed everything for it, yet I had it all along. I insisted on running full force ahead into the storms the mighty strong winds that accompanied the greatest waves that continued to crash over me time and time again. I settled for scraps. Truly crumbs were good enough but each time I settled it tore a huge piece of me away. Part of me forever gone never to return. Trusting all the wrong people and surrounding myself with lies, deception, and death, I grew weary, and war torn, battered and abandoned, used and abused, and left to die. The enemy knows who you are. The enemy knows whose you are. He can not have your soul if you belong to the Lord Jesus, but he can steal your joy, your purpose, your vision and dreams if you allow him to. This only happens when we allow him to do so. He tries to blind us, deafen us, confuse us, and defeat us. Although I was saved and sealed into the family of God at age 9, I remained naïve, ignorant, uneducated in the word, and misinformed. I did not get baptized until I was 2 months away from turning 20. I wanted to get myself right with God before committing to marriage. I did not want to go into it unprepared. Truly I was a child. I was nowhere near ready and prepared for marriage. He was my first everything. Somewhere along that path I lost myself. I fell into severe anxiety, panic attacks, and postpartum depression that never went away after our second born baby girl. I grew severely sick from stress. We moved back home and build a house. We forgot our calling to preach. We ran. We disobeyed. He took a job over the road long haul driving and the rest is history. I lost my closest friend, my best friend, my husband. I had a major breakdown. I wrote a note and planned suicide. I ran away. Divorced, alone, abandoned and single Mom at 28. It was very overwhelming and too much to take. My entire world was my 2 little baby girls. Much about that time is lost to me because of the tremendous trauma. I spiraled out of control. I took my now ex-husbands threat serious and could not think rationally. I broke. Part of me died that day, never to return. I did not know what to think anymore or what to believe. I was very lost out of control and definitely not stable. Weight fell off me like melted butter. My family accused me of doing drugs because it was such a dramatic change. I was so hurt and betrayed and saw nothing but pain. My entire world fell out from beneath me. My Dad and Mom divorced. I had divorced. I could not understand how I was suffering so greatly. I still do not understand it today. ( I could not see the choices made were a direct link to the results) I hated what my Dad did. I hated how he hurt Mom and I was always on her side. I was so angry at him. I was angry at her as well but especially him. I had flashbacks. These flashbacks would not go away. These were debilitating. I shut down. I isolated. I kept getting sicker. I could not sleep. I barely ate and could not keep anything down. I sought medical help, but it too failed me. Mom needed me and I could not tell her no. I was trying to help take care of her through her cancer journey and take care of my two darling daughters and I broke. I was so beyond hurt. How could Dad do what he did? I judged him and it was wrong. I did not walk in his shoes. Only God could understand his heart and know why he did as he did and chose as he chose. I did not understand why I hurt the way I did. I could not make sense of the flashbacks I was having that no one should experience. Dad and I fought a lot because I always took up for Mom. I did not understand how anyone could hurt little children in that way or why and it did not make sense to me, and it was slowly robbing me of all my sanity. I was allowing it to do so because I did not know how to take control of it at this time. The innocence of childhood is sacred. I began realizing I hated both of their actions and even more myself. I could not longer look into the mirror without hating my image. I did not know the person looking back at me. The abuse nearly destroyed me. Little did I know this was only the beginning of a long road of poor, misinformed, irrational, decisions that led me to the darkest place in my life. My ex-husband was the closest person to me, and he hurt me too. I did not see my part in any of it. I was only viewing things out of the selfish place of self. I felt beyond betrayed. I felt cheated and I did not forgive him nor offer him grace. I ran away. I was beyond devastated. Then I was told lies that I believed on him, and I was convinced those lies to be true, and these ripped what was left of my heart out. It was here my heart was shattered never to be mended from this. It literally felt as though flesh was torn from my bones. A million times over had I to do it over I would never have gotten a divorce and caused so much pain to so many. The paths taken from the ripple effect of this has never ceased. The consequences too great to grasp and conceive nevermore to return to that beautiful precious innocence and love. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. My girls don’t know this story. Our girls don’t know the beautiful man I fell in love with. They do not know the gentle spirited man that would bend over backwards for his children. The man they don’t know that would do anything to see me smile to make me laugh to cause me joy and happiness. They don’t know the gentle giant that I know. They may not ever get to see the selfless love we shared or the beauty of his goofy heart. Will they ever know the man that would lay down his life to protect his family from harm and hurt? The heart that broke each time he was rejected by the by the man that hung the moon for him, the man he never made proud nor was ever received or accepted, the man who wanted him to be a tough man, yet he was gentle natured and full of love. He hated seeing children hurt and suffer. One of the reasons I loved him so was how amazing he was with children. They don’t know that beautiful part of their Dad. They see the broken shell of a man scared within his soul. They do not know the story behind the pain within those eyes. They do not know the tremendous weight he continues to carry and wear as a trophy from war, he carries it proudly, yet he carries the shame along with the pride, the war-torn weary body heavy laden with burdens he was never meant to carry. Like myself scarred and war torn with so many battle wounds that I proudly wore. So many times, attempting to seek what was lost through different persons only to be jaded again and again. I gave them what they wanted for just a possibility of normality. I ran from God time and time again. I attempted to make things right when all along God was right there waiting for me to STOP trying and let it all go and lay it all down and let him lead. He alone has the plans for us. He alone holds our hearts. He alone restores. He alone renews. He has all the answers not our own selfish desires and thoughts of how we may fix things. The price I continue to pay daily from the poor decisions made will forever accompany me. It is like a ginormous puzzle piece by piece, step by step, allowing the Lord to restore each broken piece of my heart. It hurts tremendously and it is overwhelming at times and even can be frightening but I have learned to trust in the Lord, and He loves me and died for me, and He alone has me. Perfect love cast out all fear. So, I allow him to restore my heart from this great pain, and he alone can restore and redeem what the enemy has broken and stolen. It is not our way and cannot be our way, but only His way for He alone knows what is best for us and why things are the way they are. Sometimes we will never realize this here on this earth, and we only have to trust that he knows and one day maybe even after this life that we will know the why and how of all of it. So later I realize here that I am older that it is never my will but a continual laying down and dying to self and submitting to Him each moment of each day for He is Lord and Savior, and He alone knows what is best. He alone and it is His will not mine. I surrendered my will to his and continue to walk it out each day. Just as a child learning to eat and use utensils on their own they hit and miss and make a mess until the parent helps and this way the child may get the nutrition it needs to be healthy; we make a mess and can not do it on our own, only our Lord and Savior can fill us and give us the nutrition we need spiritually. So not to long ago I surrendered it all to Him once again, I laid in all at his feet and rededicated my life once again to him and began anew. I put him first and he is the center of it all. This journey has been a very hard one but with Jesus by my side it is possible for nothing is impossible with him. It is a day-by-day surrendering and a day-by-day renewal that begins with my all being focused on him and realizing that HE alone is Lord, so he has it all in his everlasting more than capable hands. So, when he awakens me to a new day before my feet hit the floor, I give him praise for the day and the gift of another day to serve him and love and honor him. He is my God and in him I will fully trust. Will I fall? Of course, I am human flesh, but I will continue to get back up dust myself off and allow him to redeem me each and every time, he allows me to fall in order to edify me and again he places me on the correct road. He leads and directs me, and I will trust in him. It is very painful sharing such personal life experiences. I do so in order to encourage others that they too can overcome. With the help of Jesus Christ all things are possible if we but surrender to him and let him lead. I am grateful for it all because without all of it I would not be where I am now, and I will not live with regrets but will thank God for each and every blessing. Even through the darkest of storms he is there speaking peace be still. 😊

Noteworthy to state that God redeemed my relationship with both my Mother and Father and Stepmother and praise Him alone He mended what the enemy attempted to sever. I too have forgiven not only them but myself, and that was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.