Daddy

I did not always understand you. Many times I was angry with you. The hurt was severe and no-one understood it but me. I carried this pain most of my life. Even as a young child at three I was so angry at you. My earliest of memories were at 3. We were not close. I chose Mommy over you and believed her truth over yours. It was not until I was much older that I began to understand your great heartache and pain. I had a tremendous breakdown and pushed everyone away. You still prayed for me and cared for me and desired my attention. I ran away and continued in rebellion for years that still I see the effect of those sins in my life. There is always consequences for sin. We may ask for forgiveness and our Precious Lord and Savior Jesus Christ forgives us and saves us and restores us, praise His holy name forevermore, but we do suffer consequences of those poor choices. Sometimes it is a lifetime of learning from our poor decisions. I was always different. I never felt like I fit in. I was always separate and thought different. I was so much like you and never realized it. If someone said so it would infuriate me because I did not want to be like you. I was so hurt at you and did not even begin to understand why. You tried your best and you were the best Dad that you could possibly be. I had lofty ideas and great expectations. I was going to change the world and do great things. I was full of pride, full of fake confidence and masked with optimism over the great insecurities. I sought for my own glory and wanted to help others. I always loved encouraging others but yet did not love myself. I berated myself and was very self-defeating. I grew more and more angry with my pain that I carried around like a trophy. I kept a list of wrongs that everyone had done to me. I held grudges and rarely offered forgiveness. I was arrogant and haughty, feisty and brigadey. I did not know the truth. I professed to know Him but I only knew of Him. This great savior I reverenced I did not personally know. I did but, I did not. I spoke of him as he was my best friend. I sang songs to Him. I wrote stories of Him and taught of Him but did not fully know Him. It was not until I had a breakdown that I then knew Him out of desperation. I found Him, or rather He found me. I was alone and surrounding by others. I was always alone and misunderstood and believed the lies of the enemy that I was nothing, and I was a misfit, the black sheep, the ugly duckling, and a loser that would never go anywhere, accomplish anything, or succeed at an endeavor. Many stresses led to this break. The hatred I carried in my heart finally crushed in on me and made me fall. I fell hard. I realized I was not a very nice person. I was fake and I was a lie. I could not cry any more tears because I cried so hard I could not cry anymore. I was too weak. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I lost so much weight. I was grieving myself to death. I lost my God. This is sad but true. It is not the pretty picture perfect realization we tend to share on our best reels on our newsfeeds on social media. This is the raw, real truth of the pain that encompassed about me causing me to fall great. I hit hard. I was completely lost. I was suffering tremendously. I had lost my best friend, the Father of my children, my husband to divorce. I hit the bottom and who was there to find me was God Almighty, a personal God who truly knew ever part of me. He knew me even before I was born. He found me. He called me. He picked me up. He cleaned me up and taught me great things from His word. He helped me out of the filth of lies that the enemy had fed me for years. I didn't have to be fake. I was more because He died for me and gave His life for me. He was my personal savior and I could talk to Him about all things. He was there and would never leave me or forsake me. This was a game changer for me. I will leave the details out but I was so happy to know know know truly know Him.

I would love to tell you things got better but they did only for a while until I slipped back into the world and the pain again in the darkness of despair and depression. I was so full of rage and it finally began to surface why I was so angry and how I had become so desperate for the truth I ran straight into it. Through the breakdown I found out how personal of a God I had and that He loved me. I kept falling back into laziness and I kept wanting to do things on my own accord. I tried so hard for so many years to do it my way. I sought love in all of the wrong places. I did things I will never probably be able to forget. I have said things I will never be able to take back and hurt people I never wanted to hurt and then did want to hurt. I am no where perfect. This life is a journey. We take each day one day at a time. We learn and grow each day. We never stay the same. We are either growing closer to Him or farther away from Him. Where are you? Right now I am not as close as I want to be. I am going back to finish my degree in counseling and find it very hard to balance time. It is hard being a single Mom, work, be a student, and find time for the important things. We need to pray for one another.

I learnt from my Dad that I was a lot like him. I love people and I love learning of them and encouraging others. I never see a stranger and I love helping others. I learnt that I was human and could fall. I am very passionate about many things and that is knowing God. I learnt it is ok to forgive and let things go. It is ok to give it all to God and allow Him to carry it for us. We do not have to be in control of everything. God gave me a great gift in the unconditional love of my Daddy and He saw to it that we were reconciled and our relationship restored. We didn't like each other at one time. For a while we were not at all friends. I am so grateful He set things right between us. God can do anything and that is the truth. We are forever growing and praise Jesus for His great love and Papa God for giving us His only begotten son to die on a cross for us. I am grateful for the undying love of my Father and the seeds sown that produced much fruit over much pain. Thank you Lord Jesus for blessing us with a wonderful Daddy.