Ever Changing

CHANGE

Lord I am so aggravated with myself. A dear friend has brought it to my attention that I have changed. I was not sure what she meant until she explained it to me. We were talking about forgiveness and the transition she has undergone lately. I can see it. It is amazing what we can do when we are willing to be obedient to you Lord Jesus. She had struggled for a very long time with this unforgiveness and I used to speak with her often about this. I told her I had to forgive much as well and it is necessary to let it go because it is only harming ourselves. She spoke with me for a little while on my attitude changing. She said either I changed or was very good at pretending. This made me cry. I did not allow her to see me cry though. She said I used to be humbler. Needless to say, this really slammed me and hurt me to the bone. I then got to thinking another friend had met with me for lunch a little while back and told me I was fake. This too broke my heart and I cried. I did not understand her at the time. I do now. This broke my heart greatly. I was upset over both of these conversations but mostly because they were right and hit the nail on the head. I do not want to be fake. I know I used to be much worse and I am getting slowly better. I am a recovering people pleaser. I learned at a very young age to play the game of manipulation all too well. I did what I had to do. I was expected to be perfect and nothing was ever good enough. I felt less than unworthy, never to be smart enough, adequate enough, or measure up enough. I learned to become what they desired. I also am a recovering perfectionist. I would struggle with false perceptions of control and severe PTSD and would often be triggered which led to much anxiety. My voice was stolen and silenced. My opinion mattered not. I learned to answer with the truth they asked for, not genuine truth. When asked for the truth they expected what they wanted to hear, usually a fabricated lie. This made me very ill. What about the truth will set you free? Many adults in my life as a child were fake and pretentious. They lived two very separate lives, one public, and one private. I realize I have anger. Although I have diligently worked on this for years I still have it mashed down very deep hidden away from judging prying eyes. I had become numb for great fear of this monstrous rage within. It would rear its ugly head from time to time and I would immediately regret it and began the inner self talk of shame and condemnation. This was a very toxic cycle that went on for years. Only You Lord Jesus can remove the yuck from within. You alone are Lord. Often the tears seep through and I hurry quickly to hide them once again in disguise pushing the anger down, compartmentalizing and pretending it all gone. This will not make it go away by the way. This anger is simply something that must be confronted and dealt with. Anger expressed in a healthy manner is perfectly acceptable. This is a natural emotion that You have given us Lord. It is when we react in a very ugly way and out of malice hatred and rage that we begin to get ourselves into trouble. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger. Pretending it is no longer there is like having a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any given time, the possibility is always there. This is something we must learn and relearn throughout our lives and must be practiced. We must give this to You Lord Jesus for only You can, may, and will take adequate care of it and work it out for our good. Denying the existence of or its presence is foolish and will not remove it. Anger is dangerous and the bible gives us many examples of the danger. One huge example is in the very beginning of the book about the first two sons born to Adam and Eve, Cain and Able. Jealousy and anger grew into hate and in turn turned into evil rage that led to murder and death. It is how we react that matters!

Recently I had a Gene sight test done and had to change my medications. This medicine does not numb me out and I feel my emotions more readily and freely. I am undergoing treatment for severe PTSD and major depression. I have been blessed to have a Christian counselor. We have been working on assertiveness and boundaries. I am learning to speak my mind in a positive manner. I know as a child learns to walk, they will stumble, struggle, and fall but they are driven to learn and overcome, and this results in their achievement. I myself am learning new things and as well I will stumble fall and try again until I achieve this goal. I choose to be better not only for myself but for all my friends, family, and especially for the service of my precious Lord Jesus. So just because I have anger does not mean it is wrong. Simply having opinions and choosing what is best for me does not mean I am cruel. This is learning to take care of my emotional wellbeing and it has been a very long time coming. So yes it is awkward and yes I will stumble at times and I will resort to wearing a mask or two out of old habits and routine but I am well on my way to a better me. I am proud of myself for taking the reins of my mental health and well-being. Yes I have passion. I sometimes may come across as cruel or mean but I am trying and I am taking baby steps one at a time and one day soon I will be running. Before long who knows I may even fly. This is an ongoing process of healing. This journey is not for the weak. It is hard work but I figure I am worth the fight. This narrow path gets lonely and yes I get weary and I have my days of total exhaustion whining and the desire to remain hidden and shut out the world but I must remain diligent in their healing journey. I allow myself this needed space and time. I breath, I pray and I self-care and journal. I am learning to love myself for the first time in my soon to be 50 years of life. I’m allowing my Jesus in the dark dusty corners of my heart that has been hidden so very long. He alone cleanses our hearts of deep pain, hurt, scars, trauma and regret, unforgiveness and bitterness, anger and resentment. He is faithful to walk with us and carry us through the forgiveness process. Trusting in Him has been a lifetime journey. He is faithful! He has never left me nor forsaken me and He is the LOVE of my life. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ my ALL and ALL.